6 weeks and counting...

Well, I haven't written in a while and things have definitely been moving quickly around here. 

I'm almost done! :) Even as I type those words, it doesn't seem real to me...not yet. There are still so many things I have left to do before it can really be official, but I'm SO close! 

6 weeks and I'll be done at Nyack. I've had a love/hate relationship with Nyack and I'm happy to say that I will be glad to finally leave. As much as I've enjoyed getting to meet new people and experience new things, I'm done with being away from home...away from my family and my friends.

I have met some wonderful people in my time here and I am grateful for the things that they have helped me through and taught me. I have also met those that have tried me in many ways and have reconfirmed my thinking about certain types of people. 

I will be happy to be done with the fakeness and immaturity that I have experienced here on campus. I am all for giving people grace, especially since I know I will be dealing with immaturity, but I expect immaturity from children...I draw the line at immature adults.

I am looking forward to being home...it's been tough to be here and have to miss out on certain things like birthdays and other things. I will be glad when I don't have to miss out on those things after December. :)

So...all I have to do is finish my Teacher Work Sample, my second placement of student teaching and I'm on to the next part of my plan...finding a job. :)

I know that God has a plan for everything and as irritating as it has been or as frustrating as things have been, I'm trying to be patient and continue to trust Him. He's brought me through this far and I know He's not going anywhere. :)

Life.

Life.

Sometimes, life is simple, easy and normal.
Sometimes, life is complex, hard and unusual.
Sometimes, life seems too much for us to handle...that's when we need to give it up to someone else who can handle it for us...God.

These past few months, I don't know what I would've done without God, my family and my friends. I have had many ups and downs...sometimes it felt as though the downs outweighed the ups. I have experienced some new things and have had to revisit some old as well. For some people reading this, you know of the struggles that my family has had to go through. You also know that at the beginning of this month, my Grandma went Home. 

I have had to deal with someone dying before...some I remember more than others, but this time it was different. I know that my Grandma is in a far better place. She is pain free and reunited with my Grandpa (I don't have any Biblical reference for the last part, but that's what I believe). I would be a selfish person if I wanted her to still be here, in the pain that she was in...I love my Grandma too much to long for that...she deserved better and now she has the best.

Maybe this time was different, because I was the last person to be with her before she died. I gave her medicine, told her again that I'd never be able to be a nurse (after dropping the medicine dropper) and said if she needed anything to let me know. Then, soon after, my Grandma, the most stubborn woman I know, got her wish...she wanted to die at home and she did. 

I am grateful that the Hospice lady was there...she helped us out and was very gracious. I am also extremely grateful that Jordan and Jess were there as well. I don't know what I would've done without their calming presence and guidance. *Thank you both for being there...it meant a lot and I'm glad none of us had to go through that alone.* Jess is actually the one who said something that really explained how we were feeling and it still is the same today. He said, "10% sorrow, 90% joy." Such wisdom from the "baby" of my family.

I'm holding on to those words as I'm getting back into the swing of things. One thing my Grandma wanted was for her grandkids to get the education that she never got to have. I am doing my best to finish my senior year and I know that she's looking out for me, only now I don't have to worry about being swatted with her cane. Although, I'd take it one more time, if I had the chance.


I do have some things of hers, that I will treasure and hopefully pass on to my children someday. My grandparents were always making things for us and I have a lot of crafts and such that they made, along with the most comfortable quilt ever. :) I also took some of her jewelry and a jewelry box...and although I don't remember her wearing the pieces that I took, they were hers and that counts for something.

The earrings, of which I had lost one somehow, but ended up finding it in a random place.

Throughout this entire thing...God, my family and friends have been amazing and a blessing. I hope that one day I can be that kind of blessing to someone else.

Also, Wednesday, after the funeral, when Bethany and I were driving back down to school, this song came on and was preceded by Matthew West sharing about his Grandma, who had passed away.

I will see you soon, Grandma...until then, you and Grandpa save a place for me. 

On to the Chopping Block (aka the Surgical Table)

So, it's official...I am going to have surgery to remove my gallbladder...oh boy. :/

The funny thing about this whole situation is I haven't had any pain or discomfort for almost a week...go figure. However, just because I can't feel that there's a problem, doesn't mean it doesn't exist and won't affect my life.

Hmm...it kind of sounds like our lives sometimes. We can't see the crap and garbage that people have inside, all we see is the outside and what they want us to see. This might work for a while and you might be able to keep the garbage hidden for a while, but that doesn't mean that it won't affect your life at some point. In order to clean out the garbage, you need to have it removed and the only One that can do that is the Great Physician, Jesus Christ.

I know that He's taken care of a lot of my crap and garbage and I'm sure there's more for Him to help me get rid of...it's not an easy process or a short one. I do know that I need to stop holding on to the things that He's already taken care of and let them go. No one would want to hold on to the disease or problem that is making them physically ill, so why do we continue to hold on to those things that make us spiritually ill?

At Church without Walls, Bob Cornwall spoke about God's forgiveness and how we need to stop asking Him over and over again to forgive us for the things that He's already forgiven us for and forgotten about. How many times do we look in our past and bring up those things that we've already been forgiven for? Why do we continually make our lives miserable by bringing those things up? Once we've asked God to forgive us and we're truly repentant, He takes those things, forgives us and then forgets.

Funny thing with us humans is, we tend to hold onto things and we don't like to let things go. Sometimes that's a good thing...holding onto things that are important (family, friends), should be things we don't want to let go. Holding onto other things (grudges, hurtful conversations, wrongs), those should be things we give up to God and let Him take care of them. If we hold onto those hurtful things, it only hurts us more. 

I'm not saying that there aren't things that we should remember, like trusting someone and having them destroy your trust...obviously something like that will cause you to think harder about the people you trust and maybe that's a good thing. I know for myself, that has been something I've struggled with in my friendships in the past and it hasn't always been the easiest thing. I think that I have come to that point in my life where I know I have a great group of friends that I would trust with my life. I just hope that I am the kind of friend that they could say the same thing about.

So, as I go into surgery this Friday at 10a, I'm praying that everything goes well and that there are no complications. I am a little nervous, but I feel confident in my surgeon because I know that he is being used by the Great Physician and he's prayed for His strength for the surgery. It's definitely a very cool thing to be prayed for by your surgeon and to know that he is being used by God; I am definitely blessed.

August Was Starting to Get a Little Boring...

August was starting out like any other month; work, times with friends, birthdays...but apparently for my family that was a little boring. :/


I'm pretty sure it all started when my Uncle & Aunt and their family decided they needed a vacation...so someone had to go and stay with Grandma. We had worked out a schedule between my mom, Molly and myself and things were going well.

Around 3:30p on Wed (8/10), I received word that my mom and Katie had taken Grandma to her doctor to find out what was wrong and why she was so sick. I got a hold of Katie and decided I'd meet them at the doctor's and we'd go from there.

Well, instead of staying at the doctor's, my mom was told to take her to the ER so they could help her. So, we trekked to Arnot and waited in the ER...which is a place we know very well. While we waited, we were trying to figure out what was going to happen that night...since Katie and I were supposed to go and do Glow Putt-Putt with The Movement. Katie ended up leaving around 7 so she could go home, change, pick up her hubby and meet everyone at the church at 8. I waited for my dad to come to the hospital to stay with my mom and left at 7:30.

Since I had come right from work and did not get anything for dinner, I decided to stop and get something from Arby's (not my finest decision, but I just really wanted some curly fries). I made it to the church and cleaned out my car, so I could transport teens, went and used the bathroom before we left, came out and talked to some of the teens and suddenly felt extremely sick. I went back inside and decided that I should probably not go because I didn't feel well. I texted Katie and told her that I didn't think I could go and she asked if I'd be alright if they went ahead and left...I was shaking so bad, I could not text her back. Thankfully, one of the girls came in to check on me (bless her heart) and I managed to tell her to get Katie. The pain was so intense, it hurt to breathe and I was sweating.

Katie came in and after seeing me in the pain I was in asked me if I wanted her to take me to the ER...kind of ironic, since we had both just been there like an hour before. So, while Ed and Eric took the teens to putt-putt, Katie and I went to the ER. The look of confusion on my mom's face was priceless and by the time we got to the hospital, the pain had went from a 10 to an 8 1/2.

Well, after a while I was taken into a room, saw the nurse, was told to pee in a cup (which is impossible to do, when you don't have to go), had to change into a drafty gown and waited for the doctor to come see me. Oh and on top of that I had to tell the story to everyone I talked to...When I came out from changing, Caleb and Amanda were there and I told them the story as well. Caleb said that he expected the text about Grandma being in the ER...not the one about me and he was playing basketball, so he didn't know until Amanda told him. Molly was at work and was just as confused. :)

I ended up going for an ultrasound and a CT scan to figure out why I was in so much pain...I also got a shot of morphine, which made me forget about the pain. :) The results showed that I have a large gallstone, which would explain the pain and the doctor said I should look into having surgery, but I could go home. That was a good thing, because we were starting to take over the ER...Grandma was down in 15 and I was in 11 and I had my entire family come sit with me...that's love. :)


* Well, my doctor's appointment was today and I got an appointment for surgery (it just happens to be when I'm supposed to be back at school...so things have to change), I also found out that my spleen is enlarged, so I have to go to a specialist in Sayre on Thurs to find out why.

Needless to say, with Grandma still in the hospital and all this stuff happening and school starting up soon...I'd like August to be boring, I just can't handle all the excitement. :} I'm trying not to stress out about stuff and I'm trying to eat foods that aren't going to cause me pain...both aren't coming very easily to me.

I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything...I'm struggling with finding out what it is. Thankfully, He knows this and has given me family and friends who will be there to encourage me, strengthen me and pray for me. 


Thank you, God for giving them to me, I don't deserve them. Help me trust You completely through all of this.

Craziness of Life and Other Things

So...it's been a while since I posted...partially because I have been extremely busy and partially because I haven't had anything spectacular to blog about.


Here's a little update on what has happened since my last post.

* I finished my second to last semester of college and said goodbye to one of the girls who lived on my floor, who was getting married and moving to Ohio.
* I successfully assisted my sister with her wedding and I now have a new brother.
* I received word that my education GPA was high enough and I've been accepted into the student teaching program at Nyack.

With all that has been going on since February, I haven't really taken the time to stop and process everything. So much for trying to blog every week. :/ I am going to try harder to do so...as well as work on other things that should be consuming my time. This means that I'll have to do a little evaluating in my life...something that should have happened a while ago, but with everything else going on, it just didn't happen.
And there I go again...making excuses about why things didn't happen. Isn't that just how we are though? The human race is all about making excuses. I hear it every day; from my own self when I'm running late to the children that I watch when they don't want to do what they are told. When did it become so acceptable to just make excuses for things and continue on with no regard for anyone else? I understand that we are all busy and I am not saying that the things we are filling our lives with are bad, it's just when we start to let the excuses rule our lives that we start to have a problem. I'm going to try very hard to remove the excuses from my life and strive to live the way that God wants me to live.
Funny how one thing can lead to another and you weren't even expecting it...apparently the excuses thing was bothering me more than I thought.

Back to what I was saying before though, about evaluating my life...this is something that I've been thinking about lately and since it's on my mind, I thought I'd share.

My life is not mine...not really. It belongs to Someone greater and more powerful than I could ever imagine and yet, I still struggle with letting go completely. Why is that? Is it because our human nature is egocentric and selfish? How many times have I stressed out about things and not once stopped and asked God to help me figure it out? 


Does this make me a horrible person? No. Does it mean that God loves me any less? No. Does it mean that He will not bless me? I don't know. In all honesty, if I had the power, I wouldn't bless someone who didn't make time for me...but then again, I'm a little egocentric.

I've been struggling with some things since I came back from school and I will admit, I haven't always gone to God first. I know that God has a plan for me and I know that He has things all worked out...but He can't reveal them to me, if I don't stop, ask Him and wait for His answer. It sounds so simple...but certain days, it's one of the hardest things to do. It's easier to throw out a quick prayer and head to the movies with your friends...but it doesn't make it right.

God longs to spend time with us...that alone is an amazing realization to me and sometimes it is enough to bring me to my knees...but sadly, it's something that hadn't happened in a while. Busyness was part of my problem...but I think there was another part of me that was hurt and upset about some things that have happened and I've been a little angry at God...or not necessarily at Him, but angry at what had happened. I'm working through it and it was not, nor is it, an easy process, but God has been as faithful as always and He, unlike myself, isn't egocentric or selfish. He loves like no other and I'm remembering that every day.

I'm slowly getting back to my place with God and I know that He's been there throughout all the ups, downs and injustices of these past couple months. I need to remember to rely on Him and to focus on Him, instead of the failures and mistakes of humanity. It helps that I have friends I can rely on and vent to...friends who accept me as I am, listen to my rantings, offer me their advice and as one of them said, tickle my funny bone. I am truly blessed and even with all the craziness and confusion in my life...that is one thing I can see very clearly; now all I need to do is remember that. :)

College, Weddings and Life, Oh My!

Well, I'm almost done with two months of my Senior year of college! Whew! :) It's taken me a while to get here and although the journey has not been easy, I am grateful for the people I have met and the friendships I have formed.

While I did not expect to be here at this time in my life, I know that God's timing is always perfect and I'm trying to remember this. One of my favorite verses that helps me remember that 'God's got it and I don't have to worry about it' is Isaiah 43:2, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." This hasn't been the easiest thing to remember at times and I must admit that sometimes I fail at remembering, but I know that God is patient with me, for which I am thankful.


Since this is my last year, it's also one of the hardest semesters I've had so far...not only am I taking 17 credits, but this is the semester that I am taking all of my education classes, one of which is an independent study. These are some of the harder classes that I have had to take and these are the ones that I need to pass in order to even be accepted into the School of Education here at Nyack. For some reason, they can't accept me until my education gpa (as they call it, which is different than my overall gpa...) is at a certain point; however, this is my first semester taking the education classes and apparently they can't take my gpa from the education classes I took at CCC. Oh the joys of being a transfer student... So, as frustrating as it seems, I am still trying to rely fully on God and trust that this is the path that He wants me on. 


Also, as if helping plan one wedding this Summer isn't enough, I have the privilege of helping my friend, Abby decorate for hers. It seems like everyone I know is getting married this Summer and as happy as I am for them...I would be lying to myself if I didn't say that I was a little "depressed" about all of it. Now, I'm not moping around feeling sorry for myself and woe is me-ing myself, but it does kind of bring up the question of, "When is it my turn?" I know that God has the perfect person picked out for me and   I am waiting for God's perfect timing; it's not like I am ready to take that step right now, but I definitely wouldn't be opposed to it, if that's what God wants. :) My thinking is, 'he's not ready yet', and neither am I...so, at this point in time, I am alright with that and I'm praying for him; when God's timing is right, I'll know.


So...my life is anything but boring right now and on top of everything else, I'm also working a few days a week at Lane Bryant. Let's just say it's an interesting place to work and the people are definitely not like any other that I have met. Some days are better than others and there are always those customers that just can't ever say anything nice to anyone...please remember that when you're shopping a retail place; you don't have to be mad or annoyed at the associate, sometimes they're new or unsure of what they're doing and other times, it's not their fault that the computer went down...


All in all things are going well here at Nyack, but as much as I love the friends I have made here and this is helping me fulfill my dream of becoming a teacher, I miss home...It's not just missing my family or missing things that are happening that bothers me...it's the feeling of being separated from the people that I care about the most. Even with the amount of technology available, it seems as though when space separates people, it makes it hard to set up times to communicate with them. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end and I'm just hoping that it will be. I'm looking forward to the day when I have my own classroom and this whole college thing will just be one thing that helped me fulfill my dream. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I am glad that when things start getting overwhelming and discouraging, God always has a verse that helps calm and encourage me. 

Thank you, God for giving me Your words of comfort and peace.

A New Year...of Resolutions?

Well, already I've broken one of my resolutions, but since I didn't have them written down does it still count? :}

My problem isn't making a resolution, because I can come up with a few things I'd like to change in probably 5 minutes, it's the keeping of the resolution.

Webster defines the word resolution as "the act of determining" and "something that is resolved". So for many of us we are determined to change something and for those of us that succeed, I applaud you. For the rest of us, however, there is a sense of hopelessness at times...when it seems like you're never going to reach that goal and everything is hindering you.

"This year is going to be different!" I'm sure many of us have uttered those words and many of us have failed, but I'm not stopping with just having this year be different, because every year something is different, I'd like to say, "This year things are going to be different, with God's help."

Ok, now before you get all skeptical and tell me that I'm crazy, just hear me out. I know it may sound a bit crazy for some of you and maybe a little naive, but I truly believe that God does want each of us to achieve our goals. I believe that He can help with our resolutions and that He wants what's best for each of us. However, I do not believe that He's going to do all the work and that it's going to be a piece of cake. Great, now I'm talking about food. :} Moving on...

There are a few things that I'd like to resolve to do and by resolving to do them with God's help, I believe I will have a better chance of achieving my goals. The one thing that I do not want to do is to let these resolutions run my life, I have WAY more important things to do than focus on the do's and don'ts of my resolutions; there needs to be some sort of balance.

In order to keep myself on track with my resolutions I know I'm going to have to write them down, this will help me remember what I've said and be a reminder when those tempting voices say to forget the resolutions. Along with my resolutions, I'm going to post scripture so that when I do get discouraged or frustrated I can look and be encouraged by what God is saying.

Am I saying that this is a fool-proof method to maintaining one's resolutions? Well, I'll definitely let you know how I do with it all, but I think it's going to be different for each person, especially depending on their resolutions. All I know is that I want this year to be different for myself and hopefully this is the year that things change for the better.

Oh, by the way, I'm back on track with my resolution to blog more. :}